I didn’t ask for this to happen to me again . . . especially now. How is it that depression sneaks in when we least expect it? When we’ve done everything in our control to prevent it?
One thought quickly leads to action, that action developed into a mindset; and suddenly I fear my mindset once again turning into a lifestyle. What if this tradition of returning to fear and shame become a habit I cannot escape?
Depression and anxiety can be situationally triggered, other times they come without warning. As many things in this life are, they wipe us our when we stop looking . . . when we believe they won’t come back. For me, it’s been the triggers that have come unexpectedly. I wouldn’t have guessed that the struggles I experienced 3 years ago, nor the people who were part of them, would come back on the haunt . . . but they have.
“Felicia, don’t you already know how this all ends? Haven’t we been through this before? Why go back? Why allow yourself to be back at this place?”
So quickly I become a captive within myself. A prisoner to a self-doubt battle that I alone cannot win. I worry that what I’m doing isn’t going to work and what I’m chasing after isn’t real. Meanwhile I miss out on the work being done now, overlooking the realness of today. I get overwhelmed by all my future options, while losing gratefulness for my present blessings. Noticing this ignorance can quickly cause me to experience sadness . . . once again.
As a kid, people in my family had high concerns regarding my emotional health. Several family members recommended I saw a doctor or tried taking ‘happy supplements.’ And to be completely honest, they still do at times. Overall I am a very happy person. I have tons of fun and spend most of my days laughing. Even in high school, when I was an “angry teenager,” I rarely had trouble making friends, cracking jokes, and smiling at people walking by. But still, I have days — as demonstrated two days ago — that I lose ALL hope.
As depression overtakes my being, a cloud of darkness hovers over my body, and the feeling of drowning begins again.
“None of this matters”
“There is no such thing as progress”
“You’ve only been wondering in circles”
“It’s not worth it”
“You’re not worth it”
“You already screwed up once, might as well continue down the path you’ve chosen”
And it’s these thoughts that MUST be stopped. They are the words of hate and defeat — the words that can control and kill us if we allow. They are a demonstration of Satan.
I cannot fight this battle alone, let alone win it.
Romans 8:37 says…